# Chai saved my life today and gave me hope



## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

I've suffered from chronic depression for 7 years now, it became severe in the last 2 years. This past month it's gotten much worse and yesterday was the first time I made a full suicide plan, down to the insurance, cost of a funeral, how to do it, when, etc. The one thing that really worried was what about my baby, Chai? I'd planned to add in my note to please have Chai given to West Coasr Hedgehogs, because of the excellent care I see from them and how

Today, it came time for me to bond with Chai and at first I didn't want too. I was too busy doing research and making plans on how to end my life. But for whatever reason I felt like I stil needed to. So I picked him up and held him in my lap, watched him walk on my hands and I smiled. This little guy, who may be just a pet, made me feel like I was okay. Maybe not okay, but that I could still fight and not to give up yet. He made me cry and at that moment I was certain; Chai is the most important thing that's happened to me all this time. He's given me a reason to fight the pain.


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## CinnasParents (Mar 7, 2013)

I'm glad your baby gave you something to fight for. You two look adorable in that picture. Hedgehogs are a blessing and I'm glad your little guy helped you


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## abbys (Oct 13, 2012)

It's amazing how much a of a difference such a little animal can make.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and even though depression can be a never-ending battle, I hope you never stop fighting for yourself. And I hope you're able to get help - even just talking to someone can make all the difference in the world.

I'm very glad Chai was there to change your mind.  Sending big hugs your way.


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## AngelaH (Jul 24, 2012)

I recently wrote a similar post on the "Say it. I dare you" thread. I also suffer from depression and recently had a very bad cycle of it, Thistle saved me because I couldn't imagine anyone else but me giving her the love she deserves. I understand the pain of depression, don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone.


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## sklock65 (Jan 9, 2013)

Your post was unbelievably brave. To share that with this community you deserve to know that. Our hedgies seem to always make things better. I'm so glad you have chosen to fight through the pain you are feeling. Perhaps talking to a friend or family member about this could help too...sometimes we just need to hear again how much we really would be missed in this world, just a thought! For now I hope you snuggle your little ball of quills tighter tonight...you two deserve each other and need one another for sure!

Sending happy and healing thoughts your way


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## CannibalCookie (Aug 4, 2012)

I have to say as a fellow person with a mental illness... I am so proud of you and so proud of your little chai! 

its a big step having something like that happen to you and in that picture i see so much love for each other, you can get better, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but your chai is there for you and wont mind if you wake him up just as you need a hug, or just to remind yourself that he needs you to work on getting better, for his sake as well as yours! it takes a while but you can do it!


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## sheepishlywolf (Apr 24, 2013)

I completely understand this. I suffer from chronic depression and BPD. I had been having trouble finding a reason to wake up in the mornings. Nothing was there, not even friends or my boyfriend. Then I got my little, crazy, yet sweet Stannis. I wake up early every day and can't wait to get home. He may still be huffy, but the moments where he let's his quills down and plops on me give me hope that he'll grow to love me as much as I do him.


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## hedgejuliethog (May 6, 2013)

I can understand. I suffer from chronic depression, bipolar disorder, and I was suicidal. (I still get some 'episodes' every now and then.)
But when I do get that way, I ask myself who would miss me, why should I still be here, etc. Every time this happens, I look to one of my four animals and I realize that I couldn't just abandon them, that's how I look at it. They would wonder where I was, what happened to me. Especially my Pomeranian who constantly cries and paces the house whenever someone leaves.

Long story short: My animals are why I'm still here.


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## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

AngelaH said:


> I recently wrote a similar post on the "Say it. I dare you" thread. I also suffer from depression and recently had a very bad cycle of it, Thistle saved me because I couldn't imagine anyone else but me giving her the love she deserves. I understand the pain of depression, don't hesitate to reach out to me if you need someone.


It helps so much to have you share your struggles with me. It is a comfort to know I'm not alone. It is so wonderfully strange the way a tiny animal can give you enough hope to continue living. If only because you just can't bear the thought of someone else carrying for them. I'm always here for you as well if you need anyone to talk to.


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## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

sklock65 said:


> Your post was unbelievably brave. To share that with this community you deserve to know that. Our hedgies seem to always make things better. I'm so glad you have chosen to fight through the pain you are feeling. Perhaps talking to a friend or family member about this could help too...sometimes we just need to hear again how much we really would be missed in this world, just a thought! For now I hope you snuggle your little ball of quills tighter tonight...you two deserve each other and need one another for sure!
> 
> Sending happy and healing thoughts your way


I've talked with them and I understand the burden I'd place on them and how much they'd miss me. There were lots of things I worried about, the family and friends it would hurt. I knew it was selfish of me and it would hurt them deeply but they would forgive me. My friends and family would cry and miss me but they could understand. My Chai couldn't do that, he'd just think one day I stopped coming to see him and he wouldn't know why. I can't stand the thought of that. 
I look forward to getting home again today just to hold my baby and know he's okay. <3


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## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

CannibalCookie said:


> I have to say as a fellow person with a mental illness... I am so proud of you and so proud of your little chai!
> 
> its a big step having something like that happen to you and in that picture i see so much love for each other, you can get better, it may not be today, it may not be tomorrow, but your chai is there for you and wont mind if you wake him up just as you need a hug, or just to remind yourself that he needs you to work on getting better, for his sake as well as yours! it takes a while but you can do it!


Thank you for that. Sometimes I doubt the chemicals will ever fully balance to bring back my happiness. After, so many years of trying everything, medications for depression and BPD, as well as multiple therapists and talking my feelings out with family. But having chai to take care of and love helps me force through it. i hope you will continue to grow and progress through your struggles as well.


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## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

sheepishlywolf said:


> I completely understand this. I suffer from chronic depression and BPD. I had been having trouble finding a reason to wake up in the mornings. Nothing was there, not even friends or my boyfriend. Then I got my little, crazy, yet sweet Stannis. I wake up early every day and can't wait to get home. He may still be huffy, but the moments where he let's his quills down and plops on me give me hope that he'll grow to love me as much as I do him.


I've been going the struggles of both of those as well. I'm guessing because of your serious depression your type 2 BPD and I know both types are hard but if you are type 2 like me I can really sympathize with your pain. It makes it hard to do anything at all, even what you used to enjoy. But having that little ball of quills to wake up to and come home to makes a world of difference. Please know I'm sending such well thoughts to you and your Stannis. I'm sure the two of you are doing well and Stannis knows exactly how much you love him and loves you just as dearly. Even if he is a bit huffy <3


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## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

hedgejuliethog said:


> I can understand. I suffer from chronic depression, bipolar disorder, and I was suicidal. (I still get some 'episodes' every now and then.)
> But when I do get that way, I ask myself who would miss me, why should I still be here, etc. Every time this happens, I look to one of my four animals and I realize that I couldn't just abandon them, that's how I look at it. They would wonder where I was, what happened to me. Especially my Pomeranian who constantly cries and paces the house whenever someone leaves.
> 
> Long story short: My animals are why I'm still here.


That was exactly my thought. There were lots of things I worried about, the family and friends it would hurt.They would hurt and miss me dearly but they could understand. My Chai couldn't do that, he'd just think one day I stopped coming to see him and just stopped loving him. He wouldn't understand or know why. Our animals love us unconditionally and without judgement. It is our responsibility to continue to love them and show them their trust is safe in our hearts.


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## Belie (Apr 24, 2013)

CinnasParents said:


> I'm glad your baby gave you something to fight for. You two look adorable in that picture. Hedgehogs are a blessing and I'm glad your little guy helped you





abbys said:


> It's amazing how much a of a difference such a little animal can make.
> 
> I'm so sorry for what you're going through, and even though depression can be a never-ending battle, I hope you never stop fighting for yourself. And I hope you're able to get help - even just talking to someone can make all the difference in the world.
> 
> I'm very glad Chai was there to change your mind.  Sending big hugs your way.


Thank you both for your warm thoughts. Reading all of these messages this morning made me smile a bit. It was heartwarming to know complete strangers shared their concern and love for both me and my Chai. Thank you guys.


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## shmurciakova (Sep 7, 2008)

I hope you are doing a bit better today! I was diagnosed with cancer a while back and that was when I got my first hedgehog Snoball. She really helped me to cope with all of the anxiety, fear, depression, etc. She really helped me to get through some very tough times. I could have just stayed in bed feeling bad about everything but no matter what I had to get up and take care of her, play with her, etc. and she always put a smile on my face - even when she was being a grump. Now I have Daisy and I have been cancer free for 8 1/2 years, but I still think I suffer from some PTSD symptoms. I also moved recently and have suffered from extreme homesickness and have had a hard time adjusting to my new surroundings. Daisy has really helped me with that too. I always smile when I think about her.
Take care and I am glad that Chai found you!
-Susan H.


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## momIImany (Oct 14, 2012)

Animals have a way about them. They accept us no matter what our preceived faults are. I had cancer too. I'm cancer free for the last 13 years. Unfortunately, I was not able to have kids because of it ~ it led to depression. I've been battling depression for more than 30 years. I know and feel for each of you and know your pain. Joining groups like this is very therapeutic. You can share information and still be partially hidden by the computer monitor. Remember....we are not here to judge. We are here because we all share a bond and love for hedgehogs. Each of us support the other. We are here for each other. THERE IS NO GIVING UP! We are loved and needed. We are in this world and we make a difference ~ each and every day!


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